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David Letterman’s Top 10 Signs You’re a Gay Cowboy
1. You love riding, but you don't have a horse.
2. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon.
3. You're wearing chaps, yet your "ranch" is in Chelsea.
4. You've been lassoed more times than most steers.
5. Native Americans refer to you as Dances With Men.
6. After watching reruns of Gunsmoke, you have to take a cold shower.
7. You sold your livestock to buy tickets to Mamma Mia!
8. You enjoy ridin', ropin' and redecoratin'.
9. Instead of ‘Home on the Range’, you sing ‘It's Raining Men’
10. Your saddle is Versace

Cowboy Shopping
This one was sent to us on email after doing the rounds. It’s the weekly grocery lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist.

Summer 1963, Brokeback Mountain



Beans and pesto
Thin-sliced Bacon
Hazelnut Coffee
Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin

Beans en salade
Coffee (espresso grind)
5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
2 tubes K-Y gel

Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
6 bottles French Bordeaux (Reserve 1954)
1 large bottle Astro-glide

Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin and fresh)
Organic Eggs
Spanish Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Crushed Walnuts
Clarified Butter
Extra Virgin Olive oil
Pure Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
Large tin Crisco



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18 U.S.C. 2257



Brokeback Mountain' spurs culture of gay cowboy jokes
 | Tuesday, January 31, 2006 | Rodger Mullen

Heard any good “Brokeback’’ jokes lately?

No? Here’s one courtesy of Jay Leno:

“A movie theater in Utah abruptly canceled a screening of the movie ‘Brokeback Mountain,’” Leno said in a recent “Tonight Show” monologue. “They felt it was inappropriate for the community standards.

“Instead, they ran ‘Deliverance.’”

Ba-dum-dum. But seriously, folks...

The gay cowboy romance-tragedy, starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as lovers Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, has become the office water-cooler topic of the moment.

The Internet is full of “Brokeback’’ jokes, some funny, some just crude. Last week, USA Today ran a lengthy story on its Life front addressing the phenomenon.

“Against all odds, a Western romance about two men...has corralled the cultural zeitgeist, making it safe for our national funny bone to come out of the closet,’’ wrote USA Today’s Susan Wloszcyna.

The buzz extends from office e-mails with the inevitable tag line “I wish I knew how to quit you’’ — the movie’s signature phrase — all the way to the highest corridor of power, the Oval Office.

At a question-and-answer session recently, President Bush was asked whether he’d seen the movie.

An awkward grin spread across the president’s face. He finally allowed that while he’d be glad to talk about ranching, he hadn’t seen “Brokeback Mountain.’’

But you could tell he’d heard about it.

The film, which has been gradually opening in theaters across the country, debuted in Fayetteville on Friday.

The R-rated movie is showing at the Market Fair 15 and Cameo Art House Theatre, where it drew good weekend crowds.

Nationally, the movie ranked No. 6 with more than $6 million in box-office proceeds last week, bringing its two-month take to about $50 million. Not bad for a movie that cost an estimated $14 million to make, according to press reports.

The movie has already won four Golden Globe awards, and Oscar recognition seems certain. Ledger, in particular, has been singled out for praise for his devastating portrayal of an inarticulate man struggling with his sexual identity.

But still, the jokes persist...

David Letterman listed his “Top 10 Signs You are a Gay Cowboy.’’ Number 5: “Native Americans refer to you as Dances With Men.’’

On “Saturday Night Live,’’ Alec Baldwin and Will Forte played gay prospectors in a spoof called “Brokeback Goldmine.’’

“Brokeback Squadron,’’ an online spoof making the rounds, features a character modeled after Tom Cruise in “Top Gun’’ making goo-goo eyes at his studly wingman.

The movie’s poster, which depicts the two cowboy-hatted characters in a pensive pose, has been the subject of any number of take-offs. One depicts indicted Congressman Tom DeLay and corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff over the caption, “Kickback Mountain.’’

In the USA Today story, gay actor and writer Bruce Vilanch called the movie an “irresistible’’ target for parody.

“Not only is it the first mainstream gay love story in a long time, it’s between two cowboys,’’ Vilanch said. “What greater American icons are there than gay men and cowboys? When you mix the two, it’s a stereotype too good to pass by.’’

So we can expect the nudge-nudge, wink-wink jokes to continue, at least until the phenomenon passes and “Brokeback’’ jokes become as dated as disco.

Until then, stay tuned for the inevitable “Brokeback Mountain’’ Valentine’s Day cards (“I’ll never quit you,’’ etc., etc.), jokes about sequels (“Brokeback II: Return to the Mountain’’) and, come Halloween, “Brokeback’’ cowboy costumes (Are you going as Jack or Ennis?).

After which point, “I wish I knew how to quit you’’ will mercifully pass into the memory banks of movie history, residing forever alongside “Show me the money’’ and “Life is like a box of chocolates.’’

Gone, but never forgotten.

Steer Riding
This is a beginner's event, but not as simple as it looks. The rider grips his rope and locks his legs like scissors on the steer and all he has to do is stay on top [Mmm, don't we all? Ed.]. A rider who is able to spur, or move his legs back and fourth on the steer's sides, will receive a higher score and make me scream with pleasure!

Bareback Riding

This is the most physically demanding event and potentially bad for your health - as is that other form of bareback riding. The bareback rider has to lean back and take what comes during his ride whilst simultaneously trying to keep his feet above the mount’s shoulders. Sound familiar?

Steer Wrestling / Chute Dogging

In this event the cowboy has to run beside the steer, catch its horn in the crook of his right arm and then hit the ground with his legs extended forward in order to bring the steer to a halt. He then throws the steer off balance and wrestles it to the ground so that it’s flat on its side with its legs extended. Might be easier if he gave it a few drinks first.

Saddle Bronc Riding

Judging in this classic event is dependant on control, spur motion and timing. The rider spurs from the animal's neck in a full swing towards the back of the saddle in time with his bronc action whilst trying not to get bucked off within 8 seconds. How long can you remain in the saddle being ridden by your bucking bronco?

Tie Down Roping

Calf Roping is the most technical event in rodeo requiring a pretty skilled roper. Once the calf is roped, the cowboy must run down his rope and throw the calf to the ground. He then ties any three legs with a pigging string. Kinky and best tried in private me thinks!

Bull Riding

Virtually the same as steer riding but the cowboy needs much bigger equipment - and boy, do we like the sound of that! Not for the faint-hearted, this event can seriously injure the cowboy who’s daring enough to sit astride a wild beast with dangerous horns.

Team Roping

This is rodeo’s only team event and involves two cowboys. The first ropes the head of the cattle while his partner ropes the heels or legs. They are called the top and bottom. Or was it header and heeler? We’re getting a bit confused …